August 31st - Just When I Thought It Was All Getting Back On Track....

So the last few weeks have been spent moving house, quitting my job and, most importantly, sorting out a way for Jewel to get her visa so she can come to study in the UK. Getting onto an English programme is not exactly what she wants, but it's a necessary step in getting on to the MA Television Production which she really wants.

My dear mother has been getting documents together at her end and I've been doing all I can here to get everything in order so she has as few problems as possible in getting her study visa. This included paying a 300 GB pound deposit on the course yesterday.

And then yesterday Jewel told me that she is thinking about taking a new job she has been offered here in Shanghai.

The job is great. It pays very well and is a great opportunity for someone of her age to rapidly advance her career. It's still doing PR (which she doesn't really like) but is doing it within the Arts industry, which really interests her. She would be the PR Manager for the firm, which would include managing projects in Europe, Asia and America, meaning lots of travel, which she also really likes.

It makes perfect sense that she would want to do this. 5 months ago I would have thought it was the best thing that could happen. But as I have just quit my job and have been making preperations to go back to the UK for the last 3 weeks, I am not so enthusisatic about the idea.

In the UK I would have to, career wise, pretty much start from scratch, Jewel would be studying full time and life might not be full of money, but it would be pretty comfortable. In Shanghai we would be financially much better off, she would have great career prospects and I would have to painfully force myself to be an English teacher for longer, assuming I could find a job I was happy with.

So, just as I thought the move was all set and we were moving forward, it all stopped dead in it's tracks.

Any advice on what you think I should do next would be most welcome.........

30th August - I'm Too Shy

About 2 times a week I have to do something called an 'English Corner'. This is basically one hour where there is little/no 'teaching' done and the students use it to do nothing but talk in English.

They can work quite well - students come and go and talk about whatever they like, ideally with no one persond leading the activity and all people participating. But this never happens.

I'm a part-time teacher and part-time entertainer. The students want to talk in English, but they also want to listen to a native speaker talk to them in English.

Today I came up with a new idea.

Across the middle of the board I wrote 'How can we improve _______?' and had them shout suggestions to fill in the missing blank.

'The environmet', shouted one 'kissing' said another, 'business skills' was a more sensible/boring answer from one.

After that I did a very rough show of hands to chose one we could focus on 'improving' for the rest of the lesson.

The environment got 2 votes. Busines skilss 3. Cheating skills got 1. Kissing skills and 'love' skills both got a huge laugh and many comments, but no votes. 'We are Chinese and we're too shy,' was the reason I was given for this.

We eventually settled on 'How can we improve quality of life?' as a topic.

Everybody had to write down 5 ways to improve quality of life, I took all the ideas, redistributed them to other people and in groups they had to come up with the best 5 ideas they had in front of them and report them to the class.

Some of the first answers I got were:

'Have more sex,' and 'get more lovers,'

After that, whatever was suggested would be immediately followed with 'and then have more sex with your lovers!' being shouted, often by one of the innocent looking ladies in the room.

'Too shy?!?!?' I said. 'Chinese people are too shy?'

Don't believe a word of it. Not even for a minute

29th August - All Done And Dusted

Finally, the extended move to the new house is over. Keys have been given back to the incrediblly nice landlord and permanaent residence has been taken in the new house with the incredibly Shanghainese landlady - those of you who know what a typical over 35 yeard old Shanghai women is like will be able to picture her in your head. For those of you who don't, imagine a Bulldog, with badly dyed red hair, chewing a wasp, and you'll get the idea.

I must admit to feeling a little guilty, having cleverly disguised 2 cat destroyed sofas with some strategically placed sheets in the old house. Having to foot the bill for new sofas is way out of my budget for now, so the feeling of guilt seemed like a justified option at the time.

The final goodbye to the old place was a bit strange. Carrying the last few bags and struggling to get a taxi in rush hour, the self appointed 'guvnor' of the building came out to me on the street, gave me a cheery, smiley 'goodbye', suggested I should walk as it was not so far to the new house and that it should be no problem as I am 'zhen fei', which translates directly to 'really fat'. Interesting choice of last words.

And with a 12 month contract just signed, what better thing to do than hand in your notice at work? Which is exactly what I did. The end of September will be the end of work for me, which should hopefully coincide with a return to England.

So, only 1 more day in August, 6 more days till pay day and, with any luck, only 35 more days till a reunion with a real, home cooked roast dinner.

And with England going 2-1 up against Australia, with only 1 to play in The Ashes - that's cricket to all those who don't know - I think it's safe to say that August really did go a damn sight better than July.

Roll on September......

ps - For all those who are not sure what cricket is, here's a brief summary of the rules:

Cricket:

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes back in and then the next man goes in until he's out. When those that are in are all out, then the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes back out and then the next man in goes out and gets out.

Then there are also two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have got out, and both sides have been in and out twice, including those who were in and are not out, then that's the end of the game!

This can take 5 days!

August 28 - The Weekend That Was

As the language trining center that I work as is open 7 days a week, getting a weekend off is nigh on impossible. My 'weekend' is about as close as it gets though, as I am lucky enough to have Friday and Saturday as my days off. Its good and terrible.

It's good because I get to do whatever I need to do (inveitablly some sort of shopping) on Friday, when the masses are still at work. In a city with a central population of 14 million, this is a distinct advantage.

The downside is that everybody who has a real working life gets all excited about Saturday, goes crazy and recovers on Sunday. I do as they do, apart from the recovery part, as I have to lever myself out of bed at 8am on Sunday morning and stumble into work.

This weekend was no different. I had a bit of a lie in (much needed) on Friday morning, then moved a ridiculously large and heavy box from my old house to the new one (yes the move is STILL happening!). I met the gf for lunch at 'The Date Tree' which is THE best vegetarian restaurant I haev ever been to. And an overcast and cool afternoon was spent having much fun at an outside water park. All those slides, tubes and waves which were so much fun as a kid are still so much fun!

Slightl;y battered and bruised, I got up at an unnaturally early hour on Saturday morning, moved the last of the ridiculously large and heavy boxes to the new house, then sat and waited for the gas man, who we had been told would arrive 'sometime between 8am and 12 noon'. They were right - he arrived at about 10.30, which is sometime between 8am and 12 noon. After paying him to do nothing, the girlfriend and I went shopping, eating and, for a very brief moment in the late afternoon, sleeping.

Then came the phone call.

I was summoned (although the rubber arm needed no twisting) to drink alcohol at a bar too close to my home to be politely refused. I went, I drank (and managed to behave!) and I got home.

But in my old age, even the suggestion of beer the night before seems to have mee feeling hungover in the morning.

So I'm here in the office, everything is where it should be, but it all seems to be going in paifully slow motion (It doesn't help that I arrived at 9 and don't start teachign till 11).

And there goes my day of rest.....

August 25th - Tales From The Classroom Pt. 183...whatever

The 'teaching' method at this school is a little different to normal. It's not the traditional 'chalk and board' method that most language schools use. The majority of the learning is done on computers.

The main selling points are that 1) students can study at their own pace (they don't get left behind in class) 2) they can study when they like (no need to arrive at a set time) 3) they can study at home (dowload software and take it away - great for business peope on the move).

Basically, the idea is that students will study grammar sructures, phrases and enhance their vocabulary through studying units on the computer. At the end of each unit there is a 'mastery' test. If they score over 80% they can go into a private class (maximum 4 students) with the foreign teacher (i.e. me) and then we have a structured class which allows us to see if they have really 'mastered' what they shoiuld have done and whether they can use it in a real life situation (i.e. in conversation with us).

If they can, great. They pass and go onto the next level. If not, they have to repeat (not fail!) the computer class and private class again.

The private classes are 1 hour long. That's usually enough time to check their understanding and use of what they've been studying and clarify any points of confusion they have. Usually enough time, but one hour is still not a long time.

So we have a rule, if you are more than 8 minutes late, your absence automatically cancels the class. A 'no-show', or a well earned rest, as us teachers like to call them.

The other day, one of the business students arrived about 20 minutes late. He came to see me and I explained to him that as he was late, the class was cancelled. He asked why.

'Because 40 minutes might not be enough time for me to go through all the exercises in the class and therefore not enough time for you to demonstrate to me that you have mastered everything in the unit you should have,' was my reply.

'I don't think so!' he snapped at me.

Bearing in mind that much of this unit was about how to be constructive and polite in diasagreement, I guessed at this stage that he wouldn't pass, even if we did do the class.

He went on to explain that he was only here for about 3 more weeks, how hard it is to book classes blah blah blah. He was adamant. I had nothing else to do, so I gave in and I, reluctantly, and somewhat angered by missing out on an hour sat on my behind, went ahead with the class.

There was still a bit of tension between us as the class started, which wasn't helped by his 'To be honest, I can't learn anything at this school,' comment. I was immediately on the defensive.

I asked him why and we had about 15 minutes of chat about the teaching method here and how it was supposed to be Business ENGLISH, not BUSINESS in English.

In the end, he did admit that he had learnt something. He told me that it was good when he spoke to foreign teachers becaue he learned 'modern, real life' English. Not the type he had been reading for the last 20 years in outdated textbooks.

'For example,' he said 'Since I was a boy, because of the textbooks I used in school, I have always called a female chicken a hen and a male chicken a cock,' he continued, perfectly straight faced 'But I know that now, if I go to America, I should never say to my hosts that I would like to eat some cock!'

I had to laugh. I wasn't really in a good mood with this guy, but the boy in me could only find that amusing.

All this from the guy, who 10 minutes ago, had been telling me that he was desperate to learn business English, had spent the last 3 months studying business English. What had we taught him? Don't tell people you want to eat cock!

Professional satisfaction achieved....

August 24th - How Bad Can Your Job Get? Pt. 2

Ha! After all of that I should be happy with I've got' nonsense and even with the though that the guy holding the target could well have been me under diffrent circumsatnces, I did my first class of the day and my loathe for this place has re-emerged.

I had good students, fairly responsive to everything, talkative and outgoing. But did I appreciate any of that? Of course not. It was tortuous. And all I could think about for the whole hour was how on earth I could get through the next 4 torturous classes after this one.

Painful. Why do I put up with it? I've been saying that 'enough is enough' for a few months now. I just wish somone would listen!

Just think about the girlfriend's visa, think about going back to England, think about....

...3 more bloody classes!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.....

That's better.....and relax........

August 24th - How Bad Can Your Job Get?

Get up too early? Work too late? Boss never gives you a break? In a dead end job with no prospects?

Ahhh...the age old cry of the over worked and under paid employee. Just like me.

There are a million and one things that I can say are wrong about the place. Being completely honest, I know that, compared to other teaching jobs, the one I'm doing now is a breeze. Work is easy, conditions are comfortable and pay is good.

But why should that stop me complaining?

And I think it's a good thing. If I accepted that everything really was Ok, how could I expect to go forward? Having a good ol' moan about the bad things in life is a good way of getting them out in the open. After that, you can get on with the really important part of fixing them.

But, again, there are moments when you have to accept that you really should be content with what you've got.

In one of my first ever postings in this 'Blog" I put up a picture of person that I thought, at the time, had probably one of the worst job in the world. The poor old moo had to shovel snow off the Great Wall of China.

But that lady had it positively easy when compared to her compatriot, below:

Now that, my friends, is a truly bad job.

August 23rd - Doing Coke

I'm guessing this is pretty old, but being a bit backward and so out of touch with everything, I only found out about this a couple of months back.

Remember all thsoe stories you heard as a kid, about the original Coca-Cola having had cocaine in it? Well, someone pointed out to me that the creative geniuses who came up with the original Coca-Cola logo may have been well aware of that too.

And they were fully aware about 'other' ways of getting it into your system/

So, with the help of Photoshop, I've put together a bit of a diagram to show what I was told:

Disclaimer: Dear Coca-Cola, this is just an observation that someone else made, not meant to be slanderous against your wonderfully sugar saturated beverage.

August 22nd - Guilaume Found, Alive And Well

So good news. Following on from yesterday's 'where on earth (or in China0 is Gulaume?' post, I am please to report that Guilaume is alive and well and living happily in Bangkok.

Yes, Guilaume is actually thename of a friend of his, not the name of a place in China.

I kind of guessed this might be the case, but seeing as the e-mail was marked 'URGENT' I decided to treat it as such and ask anyone and everyone who spoke/looked French, exactly where Guilaume was. In doing so, I managed to reinforce the stereotype that English people really are ignorant bastards with no understanding or acceptance of other cultures (although in saying that, I am sure that could also be levelled against a few other nationalities!).

And when I checked my mail this morning, I got the reply explaining everything and pointing out that he would be in Guilin (notice the similarity?) and Yangshou next week and seeing if I would be able to meet up. Again, I told him I would love too.

At this point the observant, or maybe just the Chinese among you, might recognise the name 'Yangshou'. Yep - that's right - it's the same bloomin' place I went to 2 weeks ago! (Slightly of piste, but I think I can now safely say that my best-friend is not one of the people who regularly checks my Blog!).

So after yesterdays excitement at the thought of getting another holiday, today has been a little more sedate. I'm trying to convince him to head to Yunnan (my favourite part of China by far) instead. Should find out if my fiendish plan has worked sometime this afternoon.

I should also point out that my day has been much more sedate, but only in the 'I could be going on an unexpected holiday very soon' sense. Why?

Because I also got news via e-mail (numerous scheduled phone calls failed to happen - Rangers v Celtic tends to get in the way of things with Scots) that my other best buddy from university is going to be a dad! And the baby is due on 24th January, which just happens to be my mothers birthday too!

So huge, huge congratulations to Phil and his long standing/suffereing girlfriend, Tania.

That's truly good news on any day

21st August - Moved Things. Broke Back

The title just about says it all. I moved about 85% of the old house to the new house and 'broke' my back in the process. Thankfully it's not a real break, but it sure as hell hurts. But unfortunately not enough to warrant a day off work.

So it's Sunday morning and I'm sitting back in the office.

Yesterday went surprisingly easily. Despite waiting nearly an hour for the removals van to arrive (no great hardship as it was a truly gorgeous day, wethear wise, yesterday) everything went as well as could be expected. Had a shower and dinner after finishing and the proceded to lie flat on my back for the next 14 hours in a vain attempt to allow my back to slot back into place.

This did give me the chance to check my e-mail, which was lucky as I had an 'URGENT' mail from a friend of mine. It said that his he and his girlfriend were thinking of coming to China next week (in Vietnam at the moment, the lucky old souls) and would definitely do it if we (Jewel and I) could meet them in 'Guilaume'. Great, I thought. I can get another holiday and meet up with what would be, after 3 years here, my first visitor from home (how sad is that?).

Now, despite the length of time I have been here, my Chinese is still veyr much begginer on a good day, but as I re-read the e-mail it became very apparent to me that 'Guilaume' was not the name of any place in China. At least it isn't how it would be spelt in 'pinyin'. It then struck me that as my friend is travelling with his girlfriend, who is French-Canadian, that Guilaume was probably the name of the place in French.

So I am all set to up and leave for an unexpected holiday....but I've got no idea where to go!

So if there is anyone who is reading this who can tell me the Chinese name of this place, Guilaume, I would be most grateful.

I know I only just got back from a holiday, but I'm already in need of another one!

20th August - The Move's Back On!

I've been down to the local visa office today to make a few enquiries and it's all looking good for the return to Blighty. Need to get a few supporting documents, but looks like Jewel will be able to get her visa afterall.

And for once, the staff at the visa office were actually friendly and helpful. I'd like to say that it must be because of the wonderfully polite nature of Britsh people, but there were only Chinese nationals working there. Good for them.

So that's one move coming up pretty soon. Likely to be sometime at the start of October. In the meantime I am thoroughly enjoying my 2 days off this week by packing up my old house and getting ready for a move to the new house tomorrow.

After signing a one year lease on the place it now looks like I'll be staying in it for 2 months. Chances of getting my deposit back?

I'm basically a traveller who has stayed in a town for longer than expected. He never really wanted to do the 'living here' thing, but has done and in doing so has accumulated a house full of shite. And now I've got to move it all in preperation of another move.

It's really incredible. When I do go back to the UK I can carry 20kg. I'm closing in on the 1 tonne mark now, I swear.

And tomorrow morning I get to carry all of it down the 3 flights of stairs - no lifts in this old building. The first 2 landings on the way down double as communal kitchens for the residents on those floors. The ground floor is a kitchen for a restaurant. And yes, I get to go straight through it while they are serving lunch.

That's just given me an idea for my camera's next outing...

19th August - Harry Skywalker

Now I might be a few years late in getting on the bandwagon, but I've finally caught up with the phenomenon that is Harry Potter.

I've not gone about it the best way - started with book 6, now reading book 5 - but I've got to admit that, even in reverse, they are pretty damn good. And thinking about it now, with so many millions of people having given it the thumbs up in the past, it must have been good all along.

Or could it be that the story is just so familiar with another of every boys favourites?

Harry? Luke? Whatever - we're all friends here.

17th August - One More Photo Of The Weekend Away

So while I am stupidly busy at the moment and still haven't got round to getting my photos up form the weekend away, here is another to add a bit of colour to this page.

Something about htie Water Buffalo's face - a look of curisoty - that makes me wonder who is really looking at who. Am I the inquisitive vistitor, or is he the one with all the questions?

17th August - Back On Track

Having spent most of last month and the beginningof this one in a bit of a slump, I'm very happy to report that things are 'back on track'.

Last month seemed like everything that could go wrong did go wrong - all at the same time. I had been getting pretty excited at the prospect of moving back to England with the girlfriend, but she didn't get the score whe needed in the English test, so it had looked like that move would be out of the question.

In all honesty, I really can't see myself settling down in the UK, but I would love to move back there for a short while. Shanghai is great, but I miss the freedom of having a car. I miss the ability to be annonymous - not easy as a white face in Shanghai. And - I never thought I would say this - but I really miss the coutryside. Walking in the fields, next to the river, fresh air.

I miss the civilisation of the place aswell.

Shanghai looks modern. It looks like a big city should. But it just doesn't act like you think it will. All the pushing and shoving, the impoliteness and the disregard for other people. OK, so maybe that is like any other city.

But last week alone I did see 2 people going to toilet on the road - and I do mean road, not next to a tree, behind a bush or even on the pavement - in the middle of the day. And it happened on the 2 busiest roads in Shanghai. One male, one female, both with their trousers round their ankles and both 'squatting'.

So I think I really need to escape this place. Maybe not forever, but for a while at least.

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned to my mother that we had been looking forward to moving to the UK, but didn't think we could after the exam results. And then 2 nights ago I got a call from Mum, who had been doing her research and had all but organised everything for us. So it is looking more and more likely that the reutrn to the UK is on again.

With any luck it could be as soon as the October!

So, once again, life is good. And so is my Mum. Where would I be without her?

15th August - Caption Competition

I signed the contract on my new place last night - so should hopefully be fully moved in by the end of the week. One less problem to worry about.

I've been looking through and editing the photos from last weekend. Some are quite nice. This one put a smile on my face as soon as I saw it and it cried out 'Caption Competition' to me.

It's my girlfriend, Jewel, on a bamboo raft on the Li River in Yangshuo, with 2 cormerants - used by the locals to catch fish - sitting at the front. I wonder what the 2 birds are saying to each other?

Your ideas are welcome in the 'comments' box!

August 13th - A Nice Weasel And Fat People Being Weighed Before They Get On A Plane

So following on from the other day, my house hunt has strarted in earnest. Almost took one place yesterday, but decided against it last minute. I told my estate agent that I wasn't sure and he said "Don't worry about it, I'll be able to find you something much nicer than that". It felt strange having an estate agent saying that - not pushing me to try and take the place. Dare I say it - but he seems honest!

I was telling him about the reputation estate agents have in the UK - that they are reuglarly voted the most hated people on the planet - and he couldn't believe it. He said his honesty was the most important thign for him at work. Not jusy professional, but also personally. Very suprised, I was, especially considering my first impression of this very short, skinny, wesasel-like man had said many things, none of which included honesty. But it seems that he was not lying then either.

The first place we went to see he told the owners they should clean the place more before having someone look at it. He said the 2nd place was too dark and told the owner and me that it wasn't worth the asking price.

I'm going to see a few more with him tonight, so hopefully I'll see something nice.

Setting my radar slightly further afield than Jing An District, Shanghai, I saw a piece in the news today about how some airline companies have started losing things like in-flight magazines, phones and even life-vests (!) in an attempt to allow people with ever expanding waist lines onto flights.

Very interesting. Read all about it here.

My girlfriend is always saying how unfair it is that she has to pay the same price as me to use the bus, trian etc. Seems in America her ideas have been listened to!

11th August - No, No, No, No, NO!.......OK, Of Course.

I was having a chat with a few colleagues yesterday about how things are different here in China, compared to 'back home', which for this group of people meant the USA and the UK. I say a 'chat', but I guess I really mean a 'bitch' about the differences.

One of the grils, who was leaving that day, had been told that she would be paid a certain amount of money as her final pay check. She didn't get that and then was told that this and that had happened and how she was getting less than usual, for working more hours. She was, rightly, pretty angry.

The offer of paying her next month, when she she would be in another country, didn't make her any happier.

The situation was finally resolved with an on the spot cash payment, but then the bitching began. It was pretty much centred around how, when at home somone tells you something can or can't be done, it very often means just that. If it can be done, it can be done. If it can't, it can't. Black and white. End of story.

In China, it often goes something like this:

1st - It defintely can't be done. 2nd - It definitely can't be done. 3rd - It can't be done. 4th - I probably can't be done, but I'll check with someone. 5th - It can't be done. 6th - Maybe it can be done. 7th - Why are you so angry? Of course it can be done. That is no problem.

And that is really not an exaggeration.

Basically, you can't listen too carefully to what people tell you as what they say is not always the way it is. I think this is a real part of Chinese culture - not listening completely. This was demonstrated to me even more today.

I am looking for a new house at the moment. The old one was/is really nice, but, literally overnight, it has become a bit uncomfortable. So we (the girlfriend and I) have decided to get a newer, cleaner, brighter place. I've had a couple of estate agents call me, following up e-mails I sent to them.

I told them I was looking for a 1 bedroom apartment, clean and bright, seperate kitchen and living/dining room.

I met the first estate agent today. She showed me 3 places. The first place was a 'service apartment', which is basically a slighter larger than normal hotel room, not in a hotel, but decorated the same and comes complete with......a microwave!

So it's one room with a microwave in it. Not what I had in mind and certainly not what I asked for. I told the estate agent this and that I didn't want to see anymore service apartments as they are all the same.

She said "OK," told me that she thought service apartments were better for me and promptly took me to 2 more service apartments. I told her to call me when she gets something else.

A morning wasted.

Slightly off topic, but another estate agent calle dme and wanted to clarify my budget for the apartment. "3500rmb," I told him.

"Only 3500rmb?" he asked, with a very surprised 'you're a foreigner and you're only spending 3,500 rmb' tone in his voice.

Admittedly, at home in London, 3500rmb (or about $500) probably wouldn't get you much. In China it is 3 times the average monthly salary for the 1.3 billion population. Am I really that stingy?

Oh, and today is 'Chinese Valentines Day'. So, just for Jewel, Happy Valentines Day (I had remembered - I was just trying to suprise you tonight!).

8th August - First Of Many Shots From The Weekend Away

Thought I would get one of them up on here tonight while I have the time - possible house move this weekend might get in the way in the near future. It's about as stereotypical Chinese as it can be - man in a straw hat, carrying rice plants on his shoulder - and I am sure will be hated by Chinese readers, but liked by all non-Chinese.

Many more to come soon. And Jen, this one is for you. Good advice you gave me the other day - getting out and taking photos did do me the world of good.

8th August - I'm Back From My Holiday, Tired And, According To The Independent, I'm Also 'Quirky'

Got back from my weekend away at about 1am this morning. The weeked was great. There were a lot of 'moments' which I'll write about later, and I hope the accompanying photos will be good enough for you.

So I was busy. And it seems that an awful lot went on in my absence. In no particular order, here's what happened:

1 - There was a typhoon in Shanghai. 6 people died (one of them was trying to fix his roof in the middle of the storm!) and it was all pretty chaotic in the city at the weekend.

2 - My old house usually floods because of broken windows, holes in the roof etc. but after the typhoon it was totally dry. Why? My landlord had let himself into the place to fix it all, without telling me, while I was away. Not usually a problem, but I'm packing all my things and getting ready to move out and haven't told him yet. Think he just guessed.

3 - One of my estranged cats made a suprise visit to my house. He/she is not there now. How do I know he/she visited? Because one of my rooms is covered and I do mean covered) in cat piss. Not a nice welcome home smell.

4 - After a mere nine days of August, my visitor numbers to the website are already the second highest they have been for any complete month. Why? Here's the story...

It all started with an e-mail. A visitor had read my Blog and sent me an e-mail. It was from a guy in Sweden, saying he likes to read The Independent in the library and that's where he read about my Blog.

It sounded like he meant that he had read about my Blog in The Independent, but I knew that was ridiculous. I then re-read the first part of the e-mail and relised that he was/is in fact a native British speaker, not the 2nd language learner without complete understanding of what he had written, like most of the writing I get to read as a foreign language teacher.

So I had a quick look at my visitor numbers and checked to see where people had been visiting from. And lo and behold, there was my Blog, mentioned in an article about a new Blog being born every second.

Having lived a rather uneventful life, I was, and still am, quite excited and even a little proud to see my name in a national newspaper.

As I read the article, a couple of things struck me.

First up, am I really 'quirky'? I have no idea (I've always thought I was dull and boring to be honest). I guess if I am quirky, I should be happy to be 'one of the quirkiest' on the internet.

Second, I was a bit dissapointed to be listed below Boris Johnson, even if he is about as good as a plitician gets in my book, and Moby.

And, not for the first time in my life, it felt good to be on top of a prostitute. Although this time it was only in the list, not a physical situation.

Finally, I realised, that considering my spelling and grammar, it really is a strange world if I can be considered an English teacher!

And thank y'all for taking care of my Blog while I was away.

3rd August - Going Away

Quiet start to the month from me, I know. Blogs of zero consequence so far and, guess what? Here's another!

As mentioned yesterday, I'm escaping Shanghai for 5 days as of 8am tomorrow morning. If I get the chance to write during that time, I most certainly will. But, to be honest, I don't envisage having any inclination to do that. probably just save all the words and pictures till I get back.

So, I'll be back in 5 days. Ciao for now.

2nd August - Having A Laugh

Got a couple of funny e-mails and I thought I would share them while I'm planning my 5 days away starting Thursday. I'll be heading down to Shen Zhen (a stone's throw frm Hong Kong) and then hopefully off to the mountains around YanShu.

All an excuse to give the new camera a good run out really!

Anyway, here are the funnies I was on about.

First up are The Darwin Arwards:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, The Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Next, 30 things to make you smile:

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is none the less dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

That's better, isn't it.

1st August - New Month, New Start, New Me

The terrible month that was July ended on a high or a low, depending on your take on how useful it is to get very drunk. Because that's exactly what I did last night. And that also accounts for my terrible start to August - drunk at work.

So here we go. I'll keep you posted on my progress.