February 24th 2005 Click here to read all about SPRING FESTIVAL 2005 

'Tales from the classroom: Pt. 1:'

Since becomming a language teacher I have developed a very useful skill in the classroom - I am fluent in Chinglish (thats CHINese-enGLISH for those that don't know). I can listen to this seemingly meaningless collection of English words and get the meaning of what the person is trying to say. Thats the easy part. The hardest part is controlling myself enough and forcing myself not to laugh in the poor students face when they say something ridiculous!

Now most non-teachers would guess and (I hope) all teachers would know that lauhging in the face of a student when they say something which is not exactly correct will not help the student make progress. Sometimes, its just unavoidable....

Student: Can I ask you a personal question?

Teacher: Of course...

Student: In England...I mean Britain...the reigion is...erm...well, most people are....OK.....what I want to ask is, you are a....sorry....is your religion....are you...yes...are you. Are you a prostitute?

Teacher: Ha, ha, ha! That's just a rumour!

So I broke the golden 'don't laugh in a students face' rule once, so I figured I could get away with it again! This time I was in a class with an advanced student and we were discussing epidemics:

Teacher: So, have you heard about the 'Asian bird flu' problem in South East Asia?

Student: Yes. I have heard it is a serious problem.

Teacher: Yes - that's what I've heard too. And have you heard anything about what measures have been taken to prevent this from becomming a major epidemic?

Student: I am not sure, but I have heard that the government has told the local farmers that they must kill all their children.

Teacher: Excuse me?

Student: Yes. They are killing all the children in Thailand!

Teacher: Ha ha (uncontrolled laughter). Thats terrible! Maybe we should advise them that killing the chickens might be more effective!

February 22nd 2005 Click here to read all about SPRING FESTIVAL 2005 

At last - the sun is shining! We've had a few days of snow recently, but everything in shanghai changes pretty damn quickly and now it looks like Spring is starting to arrive. Mind you, it was only after I had wrapped myself up in my finest winter woolies and sweated my way down the street for 5 minutes that I realised just what a nice day it was!

So everything is great today. Or it was until Mr. Pessimistic arrived in the office and reminded us all that this won't last long. Spring and Autumn are pretty much non-existent here. it goes from freezing cold to roasting hot in what seems like days. So I guess I'd better go and get me a new bikini as quickly as possible ;)

February 20th 2005 Click here to read all about SPRING FESTIVAL 2005 

Football - its a funny ol' game.....or so someone once said. China is crazy about football. Most Chinese are thoroughly embarrassed about the 'no goals, no points' showing at the World Cup in 2002, so support for the national team is muted (apart from when they riot against the Japanese team) but love of the game elsewhere is easily apparent

There are at least 2 live games on at the weekend on local TV (usually one from the Premiership and one form the Budesliga) and yesterday I got to 'de-mature' a little as I watched the FA Cup and remembered what the competition was like when it was worth winning. Funny, even whilst watching two teams that I feel complete indifference for (Arsenal and Sheffield United) I couldn't help but get involved and the old uncontrolable bursts of anger, excitement, frustration, disbelief etc. came flooding back (and this was a pretty boring game aswell!). So some things, like the emotional value of football, never change. And the football related humour from the 'average' supporter also never changes.

".....it's difficult to imagine anything causing more of a palaver in English press circles than the decision by Arsene Wenger from France to name a squad consisting entirely of - the horror! - Arsenal players to represent Arsenal Football Club in their match against Crystal Palace on Monday.

Of course it was the fact that Wenger's 16-man squad of Johnny Foreigners was the first of its kind in Premiership history that had the in-no-way notoriously xenophobic English hacks foaming at the mouth.

Wenger revealed his squad to face Sheffield United in the FA Cup tomorrow afternoon: Al Murray the Pub Landlord, a red pillar-box, Alf Garnett, a Beefeater, a London bus, a BNP councillor, a British bulldog, a friendly local Bobby, that big fat Newcastle fan with the NUFC tattoo on his gut, a red telephone box, a portion of fish and chips, a sullen youth wearing a Burberry baseball hat and a goldie lookin' chain, a black cab and the Lake District.

Thanks go toThe Guardian's 'Fiver' (and Mr Liness) for these gems.

On a slightly less humourous note, one thing that seems to be taking far too long to change is the attitude of those involved with football.

Dear old Ron Atkinson has been up to his old tricks again. Following his amazement at being lamabasted after describing World Cup winning Marcel Desailly as a "lazy nigger'" he has now decided to focus his attention on the problem of world over population.

"...the Chinese people have the best contraception in the world" started 'big' Ron "but I can't understand why there's so many of them, because their women are so ugly!"

Ahhhhhhh....football.

February 18th 2005 Click here to read all about SPRING FESTIVAL 2005 

Damned computers! Just when you think you're in control and everything is going along nicely, somethign happens which kicks you back to square one! And thats whats happened with me. I was all excited and enthusiastic about getting my Spring Festival photos up and out there, when my computer decided to start playing games with me. I'm still struggling with it a bit, but half the problem has ben solved

So here is the first half of the Spring Festival update. Pictures and writing - just click HERE. You'll just have to wait for me to solve another problem before you can see the 'photos-only' page

February 15th 2005

OK - I'm back! I know nobody is reading this anymore, but what the hell - it makes me feel better to write this anyway!

So I'm all Chinese New Year-ed out - and there is a HUGE number of photos/stoires to tell about it all (and they'll ALL be here by the end of the week, I promise!). I got back late last night and have had to go straight back work and teaching is the same as ever. So for todays musings i found this little number, which I hope brings a smile to your face as it did to mine.....

A NEW ENGLISH LANGUAGE

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

February 4th 2005

Before I came to China I really didn't know what to expect. I think any first time visitor, especially to Shanghai, would probably be surprised at how the great red machine works now. Admittedly, Shanghai is not exactly representative of the whole of China, but probably represents the modern day 'ideal' that most of China and its people are aiming for.

Before I lived here, I had an image that China was 'poor'. A lot of the people here maybe poor(certainly by western standards) but Shanghai sure ain't. Its also not the shining example of socialist commaradary that I thought it might be. True, traditional Chinese values often suit the political and social circumstance that is in effect here - respectig your elders and authority, for example. But these values are being constantly tested, especially here in Chinas very own city of sin

A couple of examples. Today I was walking home and saw a police officer stopping a taxi driver, for whatever reason, in the middle of a crossroads. The policeman walked over to the window and calmly spoke to the driver. The drivers initial look of disbelief rapidly changed to aggression and a tyrade of abuse aimed at the police officer. The police officer responded by opening the door and telling the driver to get out. I expected the driver to get out. He didn't. Instead he got more aggressive, shouted even louder at the police officer, who had begun to look a little uncomfortable at this stage, and then shut his door in the police officers face. The police officer appeared to offer an apology with a waving type hand gesture and then the taxi driver drove off, apparently winning the battle. Not the behaviour of a citizen in fear of authority that I might have expected here.

A second example is in the old villa I live in. On the ground floor is a restaurant that serves very cheap and very average food to a seemingly endless number of visitors to the neighbouring childrens hospital. A nice family business doing very well thankyou. Until recently. A new restaurant has now opened in the same building, just around the corner. Location not so good, but thanks to an aggressive marketing campaign (one 6ft hign hand painted sign and a street-side stall selling dumplings at breakfast time) it appears to be getting the bulk of the business. Annimosity towards the newcomers is very apparrent and even my girlfriend has been asked by the original retauranteers why she does not eat more often in their establishment.

Say goodbye communist commrade and hello capitalist competitor!

February 3rd 2005

Have you got a bendy banana (said the actress to the bishop)? Is it illegal to keep pigs without giving them toys to play with? Well according to some of the more (in)famous tabloids in the UK it seems that the EU is enforcing some bizarre laws onto our little island off the coast of Europe.

Some time ago The Sun ran a front page story about the EU passing a law that only straight bananas could be sold in the shops (no gay bananas allowed then, I guess). And slightly more recently The Daily Mirror, a bastian of truth, reported - also on its front page - that the EU had passed a law which forced all pig owners to buy there poor old pigs a toy to play with or face a heavy fine.

Now the tabloids influence a lot of people in the UK, but did any of these seemingly impossible stories actually have some element of truth? To find out about these and other weird and wonderful EU law related news stories, visit the EU's very own 'debunk the myth' web site here

February 3rd 2005

Its February 3rd and already I can say that I have finished work for the year! Woo - hoo!

Unfortunately its only the rest of this Lunar Year that I wont have to work for - approximately 5 days! Still, this Chinese year of the Monkey has finished quite well for me - I got my first ever 'Hong-Bao' today (thats the red envelope full of money that Chinese children crave this time of year - much like presents at Christmas in the west, except these all contain hard cash only!). Most people working in China expect, and are used to, receiving an extra months pay as their Spring Festival bonus, but unfortunately that didn't happen for me. I did get more than most in my company though.

Historicaly and traditionaly this 13th months pay as a bonus has been expected as a given, pretty much exempt from any type of performance related pay. But times they are a changing. Whilst I like all of the national staff I work with, it isn't hard to see that there is a lot if room for improvement in some of the work habits they have (it is safe for me to say that approximately 90% of their worktime is spent on MSN messenger or playing online games). So this year, when the boss decided to give Hong Bao in accordance with the schools (under)performance, nearly everyone has missed out on an extra months pay and ended up with something more akin to an extra days pay.

I understand why there are some unhappy faces, but what can I say? Welcome to the world of capitalism - there is definitely more money to be had by all. Unfortunately only the lucky few at the top of the tree get their hands on it! And even if your boss is as Chinese as they come and can quote Confucian philospophy in his sleep, any traditions can be changed in pursuit of a mans true master - money!

February 1st 2005

After my promise to keep updating this Blog a bit more frequently, I'm already about to start making excuses for why I won't be writing here for a few days in the near future.

As you may or may not know, it will soon be Chinese New Year (aka Spring Festival) and it is traditional for families to be together during this very important time (I think it is a natural comparison for a Westerner to make in saying that Spring Festival is as important to the Chinese is as Christmas is to 'us' and our families). As such I'm going to be heading back to Jewels hometown for about 8 days to enjoy this time. She lives in a small countryside town in Anhui province which is quite picturesque, but also very cold and quiet. Getting access to the internet might be a little tricky there, so now is where I get the excuse for not blogging in early!

So no stories for a few days, but it will mean that after all the festivities are finished I should have a few stories to tell and at a whole host of new photos to add to the 'Photos' section. So stay tuned................