31st July - Annus Horribulus

Dear Queen Lizzie once described her year like that - a horrible year. My Latin is not so hot, so any attempt to write 'Horrible Month' would be futile. But the sentiment is there - it's been a horrible month.

If you've read any of the posts this month, you'll see that a lot of them were pretty depressing, maybe a bit melodramatic, but I made a decision a while back to try to be as honest as possible when writing this Blog. So despite all the other things they might have been, all posts have been honest.

And that self-destruct button was pressed.

Suprisingly, or not, it didn't really destroy me as I thought it might. Hurt the few people who are close to me more than it did me. Hindsight is either great or the worst thing in the world. But whichever it is, it is easy to see now that any of my actions would always lead me to this situation, having hurt other s more than me.

So that's July gone.

8 is a luky number in Chinese. So lets hope, with a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, the 8th month will get things back on track again.

See you in August.

29th July 2005 - Can't Talk, Must Eat

Thank God my weekend starts today. I've got absolutely zero interest in working recently. To be honest that's not even slightly unusual. What is unusual is that I have lost my ability to act like I give a damn about my work.

Even at home, on day one of my days off, I just cannot be bothered to do anything. I had plans for today, but my list of 10 things to do stopped after the first one was done.

What did I do instead?

I sat on the bed, enjoying air conditioning, eating really, really crap food and switiching between the internet, DVDs and the latest Harry potter book (the first one I've read actually - and you know what? It ain't half bad).

So nothing of consequence to write about today.

And while you are waiting for new photos from my new camera, I'll send you in the direction of a professional who uses the same one, here. Mine won't be this good, but it sets a standard.

29th July 2005 - Breaking News!!!!!!!!!

A friend of mine just sent me this - shocking footage of what we are facing. 'The Fifth Bomber' is 'The Hoff'!

25th July - So THAT'S Why China Is So Polluted!

Me: 'Is there pollution in China?

Student: 'Yes, of course. But I must tell you that it is because foreign companies come to China and build factories to pollute China'

Me: ' They come here to pollute China? You really believe that? You don't think it has anything to do with economics, labour costs, profitability etc? You think they just come here to pollute your country?'

Student: 'Yes. They come here to pollute our country because they don't want to pollute their own countries'

Me: If China had the same pollution limits as their countries, then they would pollute thier own countries as much as they do China. That's a government policy and regulations issue.

Student: 'That's hard to answer.....I can't really say'

A conversation with a well educated, seemingly intelligent and 'normal' Chinese woman who, up until this conversation, had always seemed like a very reasonable and forward thinking person'

Personal observation: Chinese people are incredibly proud of everything Chinese and rarely accpet criticism of any of these things. It seems like extreme nationalism and sometimes appears to border on xenophobia or just plain racism

25th July - Oh Brother

About 10 years ago, my brother was ill. Seriously ill. He had something called Burkets Lymphoma. "Something like cancer," was the simplest way it was explained to make me fully understand its seriousness. I'm still not sure I ever did.

I didn't visit him too much when he was in hospital. My mother and father would go everyday and stay many of the nights too. I would usually stay at home. I still feel guilty about that today.

I'm not really sure why I didn't go with my parents. Maybe I really didn't understand how life threatening his situation was. Maybe I was subconsciously, and selfishly, trying to protect my own feelings - if you don't know it (or in this case see it), it can't hurt you, right? In my defence, I do remember having a very strong feeling that he would be OK, although that was probably as much to do with being in denial as anything else.

Whatever it was, my brother never stopped thinking about me.

when he was really bad he would be moved to the 'hig- dependency' ward. That's the place where people go when their lives are really at risk. Not a nice place to go. But each time my brother was being taken there he would always tell my parents "Don't let James see me like this."

My brother has always been a quiet, introverted type. If you met him and didn't know him you would probably think he was an emotionless brainiac or soemthing. But there's more going on there than meets the eye.

He didn't want his younger brother, who'd always looked up to him (and still does) and ahd spent his childhood desperately trying to be half as good as him, to see him in such a fragile and vulnerable position. He was too proud and private for that.

Today was the first day I truly understood why he did that.

I'm not sick, not close to death, but feel like I'm about to hit the self destruct button or something. And I don't want anyone who knows me well, cares about me or loves me to see me like this.

But as I am sure my brother would tell you, those are the people that you need to see when you are in trouble.

22nd July - 'o' 'p' and '9' Keys, A Confused Rant And My Thoughts Right Now

ok. So first things first. the 'o' 'p' and '9' keys on my computer aren't working. You see them here thanks to the beauty and simplicity of the 'cut and paste' keyboard function.

It's a pain in the arse, but it's of course trivial compared to so many other things going on at the moment.

I've been reading about the latest attempted bombings in London. I just can't figure it out - the thought processes of these people as they walk on to a train/bus and are so calm when they're just about to end the lives of a group of strangers.

I just can't get my head around it. I've read all the 'it's their only option' and 'the army has tanks, these people only have themselves' arguments - but that, frankly, doesn't come close to justifying or even explaining their actions.

I was reading an eyewitness report of a guy who saw one of the bombers running out of the tube station. He said the young guy was running up the stairs, with all these people chasing him, and said something like 'They're all crazy!'.

He set out that day to murder an unknown number of people. He failed. He was being chased. And he was still so calm and thinking so quickly that he could come up with a line like that to try and aid his escpae.

Thats calm and collected. It doesn't fit with my idea of someone about to kill themselves, desperate and erratic. It's just plain cold.

As for me. My social commentray on my life right now goes smething like this:

A few years back, I was a bit f a drinker. In England, that's what peole of my age did/do. Maybe we did go a bit excessive sometimes, but it was all good fun.

I needed to get out of that life. Alcohol was a substitue for facing life for me.

I don't drink anywhere near so much now - not since I met my girlfriend - but tonight I feel the old lure of the beer rearing its head again. It's not a problem solver, but it sure is a great prbolem anaesthetic.

I hate caring. I hate getting hurt and I care a lot about too many things. I have no cntrol, or even remote influence, over the majrity of them - but I still care about them.

Sometimes I wish I could switch this 'care' for 'pure hate'. I think it would be so much easier. Just screw everything else - fuck'em. Hate the world.

I wish I could. I can't.

Jesus, I can't even eat a chicken sandwich anymore because I can't accpet the feelings of the pain inflicted on another living creature for my pleasure in eating its flesh.

Such a big strong man.

I'm glad I was born in my generation and not my grandfathers. Can you imagine me in WW2?

22nd July 2005 22nd July - Zapatas Mexican Cantina

There's a thriving expat bar scene in Shanghai. From the top end champagne and cigar bars, to the lower end backpacker bars - there all here in abundcane.

Wednesday night at Zapatas is a particulary popular gathering for all budgets. It's Ladies night and it gets crowded. Locals and expats abound.

Now, when those lonely, single epxat men get a bit desperate, they can always rely on the oldest profession in the world. But not at Zapatas, thank you very much.

And here's a sign from the place to prove it:

22nd July 2005 - Insomnia

It's 3 in the morning - I'm more awake now than I was at lunchtime.

I've just read about the latest bombings in London. 'This is London, not the Lebanon' was a well worked line in Lock Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels....think they migh tlike to re-write that now.

Don't know what is going on these days - on the grander scale and in my very own backyard. Just seems like all that was so good a few weeks back has gone 180 degrees and is just an issue now. Headaches.

Still - there's always that silver lining to look forward too. It's got to be around here somewhere!

18th July 2005 - Think S.M.A.R.T

Specific Measureable Achieveable Realistic Time-managed. As far as acronyms go, I quite like this one. Whenever goal setting come sup in any guise during my classes, I always refer to this.

It's one of thsoe that everyone remembers and I first got told about it when I was at college, studying for a Community Sports Leader Award, learning about the best ways to help people achieve what they wanted in sports. Since then it has become pretty obvious that it can apply to any part of a persons life.

I'd like to say that I've consistently applied this to my life and have a set of goals that are 'SMART' and I'm bang on track to reach them all. Unfortunately, that's not the case. In fact, I can't remember ever seriously setting myself any type of goal outside of sport.

I think it's about time all that changed.

Someone told me of a study that suggested people with less defined goals were leading the unhappiest lives. I can understand why that might be.

So what am I going to do about it?

Well, first thign is I'm going to start practicing what I preach and set a few 'SMART' goals to go for. Asuming I do this, I'm going to put them up on this site as a reminder and motivation to myself (might also give you all something to laugh at!).

So they'll come in a few days. but for now, my first goal is: By that new camera tomorrow and take as many phtos as is humanly possible in the next week!

There - that wasn't so difficult after all, was it?

17th July 2005 - New Toy!!!!!

Boys will be boys and boys will always want to play with their toys! So in keeping with boys tradition, I am just about to get me a new toy. A big, balc electric one (eh?)!

OK, I think I should start to clarify exactly what this toy is (I knwo hwo some of you think!

I've always had a bit of a thing for photography. I'm not godo at it, but I like it. I can look at photographs all day. People, places, good shots, bad ones - I just love ot look at them.

Now, thanks to a surprisingly disciplined year in terms of my spending, I think I can justify a new camera. And I've decided to go for a Canon EOS 20D.

I am aware that if you have little interest in cameras, that will mean nothing to you. But I'm excited. So thought I shoudl tell everyone.

So be warned. Hundreds of photos are coming your way!

12th July 2005 - Meaningless, But Worth A Laugh

I wanted to post this picture a couple of days ago, but because of the obvious it all seemed a bit trivial. But in true British style, trivial and everyday is what I'm good at, so trivial is what I'll be.

Or maybe I should leave it to the professionals to explain it more clearly:

"The feeling that people had reacted in an orderly manner was a point of pride in people's conversations in a country where the word 'emotional' is used to indicate a personality defect," El Correo's London correspondent told readers.

Whatever - here's the picture:

No extra words needed.

10th July 2005 - What's Going On?

Worldwide - I'm still thinking of my hometown. It's worht mentioning that yet another bomb went off in Iraq today, killing 20 people at an army recruting center. That's not my hometown, but it is someones.

I've been reading a few articles and websites today, getting different views on what's going on. The Guardian has a couple of good pieces - 1 about how people have been talking about the reasons for such attoricities and whose to blame and another higlighting the thoughts of young Muslims in London.

Also, a couple of sites well worth a visit. Both are in my links panel on the left of this page, but I think I should link them here in the hope that peole might take a good look at them. Random Acts Of Reality is written by an E.M.T. worker and Veilled For Allah by a Muslim woman. Check them out.

As for me, well....Jewel finished her test adn said she is sure she failed miserably. We'll see - she's always lacking confidence.

Completely unrelated - well almost - my head is all over the place at the moment. Having one of those 'I have no idea what to do' moments. Could all go away tomorrow, or might drive me insane for a while yet. More as and when I figure it all out.

9th July 2005 - Good Luck

If you are from a non-English speakingcountry and want to study in the UK you have to take the IELTS test before you come. It's an English language test to grade your language ability.

My girlfriend, Jewel, is planning on studying an MA in Television Production in the UK next year. Many applications have been sent to various universities and the last 2 months have been spent preparing for the IELTS test. Today is the big day.

Good luck!!!!!

9th July 2005 - Comments 1

My incredibly natural ability to be a computer retard meant my previous attempt to have a place for comments on this page failed miserably.

But - finally - I think I've solved the problem.

So at the end of each Blog entry, where you see the word 'Comment' please click on it and say something to me. Anything. Please.

9th July 2005 - Comments 2

As I'm on the subject of comments, here are a few that I've seen posted since the bombs in London:

Tomorrow I expect to be celebrating - if you're reading this to check, the plan remains the same, I'm not going to let a couple of wankers with a fucked up belief system ruin a perfectly good night out. (http://www.mikespace.net/blog.cgi)

I slowly got that pit in my stomach, the feeling that this is bigger than a power shortage. Those who had mobile service were murmurring "explosions" and "it is bombs?". It was all so calm. Not like 9/11 when people were running up the street. The Brits just don't get excited (http://www.bobzyeruncle.com/)

Public transport is a mundane, ordinary and everyday part of everyone's lives in London. Just over a million people enter central London in the morning peak period everyday and over 85% of those trips are by public transport. It's part of London. So to hear about indiscriminate attacks on public transport that we are all so intimately familiar with makes 'it could've been me' all too easy to say. (http://73bus.typepad.com/)

8th July 2005 - No Words

Of course there is only one thing which warrants writing about at the moment. Unfortunately I have no idea what to say about it.

I love London. I love its diversity in all aspects of life there. I had my moments when I needed to escape the place - but that was more to do with the fact I needed to escape sity life than London life.

So I'm in Shanghai and reading about the recent events. I've checked in with my friends and know they are all OK, but feel distant from what's happened, but at the same time feel like I am completely involved.

The palces where the bombs went off - these are the places I used to travel through. Places I used to work near. Places I passed a thousand times.

London has been under the threat of terrorism for a longtime. There has been no terrorist attack there for more than 7 years, but people have always been aware that it could happen. I suspect that, like me, people in the UK were asking when it would happen, not if.

The wosrt terrorist attack on the UK mainland in our history signals a barbaric return of the terrorists.

So what happens next?

I only hope the diversity of London and its inhabitants proves to be a strength in the face adversity, not a dividing force.

July 7th - London 2012

Being where I am, I must admit that I hadn't really been following the build up to the big day.

I got on the interent yesterday and realised it was happening. I left work and forgot all about it. I had a quick look at the news headlines in the evening and suddenly got a sense of how big the news was.

I know that recently Manchester has failed in a couple of bids, but that never eally meant anythign to me. Being (pretty much) from London, when the hometown wins something it means that much more.

Or could all this pride/delight just be because the nearestr rivals were Paris?

An insight into the British psyche? Pretend not to care until you win, then glow with pride? Blatant nationalism and historical rivalry cluoding my thought?

Whatever. I now know why Chinese people continually hark on about Beijing 2008.

July 7th - My Walk To Work

As I walked to work this morning, a couple of things grabbed my attention. On the main road that runs parallel to the busiest road in Shanghai (think Oxford Street in London), this is what I saw:

1 - A team of ladies erecting (wait for it....) a washing line between a tree and a lampost, then hanging out wet underwear to dry.

2 - This road is so busy that bicycles and motorbikes ar enot allowed to drive on them. It is only legal for them to drive ON THE PAVEMENT! So at the intersection with this ridiculously busy road and another main road I saw a policeman ORDER a guy on a motorbike, who had driven it to the traffic lights, to get off and wheel his machine back through all the traffic, about 150m, so he could get onto the pavement and drive through all the pedestrians.

I just shook my head and smiled.

6th July - I'm English, So Lets Talk About The Weather

Just a little follow up on the mettled candle experience.

Yesterday the temperature reached 30 degrees......at midnight! It was over 39 at its hottest during the day - a record high for 71 years in Shanghai.

Pretty uncomfortable, but made even more so by the fact that after 6pm (i.e. when work finishes) the majority of the local men think it is perfectly acceptable to walk around the streets in their underwear.

Add this to the fact that pyjamas are pretty fashionable here - I saw countless numbers of people wearing them on their day out to the zoo and always see them like this in the supermarket - and it makes for a fairly bizarre spectacle.

But at least it rained last night. That brought down the temperature, but also took down the power in my old house.

Which, again, was fine as it happened in the middle of the night. Fine that is until it stopped raining, the temperature went back up and my air-conditioning wasn't working!

30 degree midnight.....perfect.

5th July - Shooting Myself In The Foot

Whilst I am not exactly Nostradamus I am capable of preditcing the future sometimes. This is one of thoser occassions as I am sure this Blog posting will bring me nothing but domestic hassles. Whatever.

China - Shanghai in particular - seems to be a place of complete extremes, often opposing and usually contradicting each other.

Love in China is one of those things. In Shanghai, the girls are all 'traditional' (whatever that meas here) but invariably choose a future husband by the size of his bank account. For them love really does play second to money.

The guys seems much more naive. Some might call it romantic, but I think naive is much better. They find someone, they like them (can be for a matter of days and often is) and then want to marry them. If the person they meet has already told them that they don't like them/are in a relsationship/don't want to see them again is irrelevant - the guy decides he wants to marry them and will ask and ask and ask. It is not uncommon for the girls to give in eventually with an excuse like 'well, at least I know he really loves me' or something like that.

Why am I mentioning this? Well, it turns out that my gf has a 'friend' who asked her to marry him. If I was at home I would have immediate suspicions that they must have had some sort of relationship for him to want to ask that question. In China I can be confident that is not the case.

So what now? Should I be angry? Should I be proud of my gf for telling him she already has a partner (which he already knows). I'm not sure.

One thing I am pround of myself doing in this situation is not asking her exactly who the 'he' is (although I have a pretty good idea).

If I did know who it was, I think I might be looking at a murder charge about now.

July 3rd - An Open Invitation To Dinner

Like drinking from the tap? How about eating form the toilet? (Just saying that makes my stomach turn!)

If eating from a plate or a plain old bowl is just too boring for you, wy not try eating from a toilet bowl? All you need to decide is if you want to eat from a Western style toilet or an Asian style 'squat-pot'.

The beautiful picture below is of a rather suprisingly succesful new restaurant in Taiwan, where diners have to make the toilet bowl choice. (Go here for the full story)

I wonder if those toilet seats actually work?

July 3rd - How's Your Barnet Looking?

After about ten years of virtually no hair, for the last 2.5 years I've had a Roman Curl/Afro/Jeri-Curl type thing going on atop of my head.

Fortunately the author of the 50 Worst Hair Cuts never got a photo of me, as I may well have made it on there!

(And in case you're wondering Barnet = Barnet Fayre = Hair - rhyming slang, innit!)

July 1st - How Hot Is Hot?

As I sat in the last of the British summer sun, shortly before I was about to go to Australia, my dear Grandad told me about the weather in Oz. He said it was hot, but a different kind of hot. Not like an English 'hot', but a clean hot, different also to a Spanish hot.

As he rambled on, my first thought was that teh heat had got to him or he was showing the first signs of going senile. When I got to Oz I understood exactly what he was talking about.

So now it's my turn.

The summer in Shanghai is in full effect and even though this is my 3rd summer here, I'm still not used to it. Why? Because summer here is a different kind of hot. Not just hot, but dirty, polluted, humid and energy draining hot.

As if I needed reminding, when I got home today, I was greeted by this:

So that's how hot hot is in Shanghai today.