May 28th - Birthday Recovery

So the big day came and went. I am now officialy another year older, but judging by the nagover I had for the whole of Friday I am obviously not a year wiser.

I got through the day at work with no problems. My girlfriend invited me to dinner at a wonderful restaraunt, on an open air balcony overlooking a lake - all very romantic. And the food was great aswell.

The school had organised a teacher-student night at a bar very close to my home, so we went there after the meal. It was really good to be amongst so many friends on the day and to be able to talk to the students away from the classroom.

Then my complete inability to say no to a free drink go the betterof me and I got completely wasted. How original!

Fortunately I only got 'really' drunk' after al but one of the students had gone home adn he ha dmoved on to another bar with me and a fellow teacher. And, yes, the poor old girlfriend was still in tow.

She was the one who had to drag me home, put the duvet over me after I fell over and asleep on the living room floor and who, the following morning, had to fill me on on the hours of embarrassing antics alcohol made me forget.

I guess that's a pretty average birthday all in all!

May 24th - Girls In High Heel Shoes

I really am being honest when I say I have never really paid much attention to women in high heel shoes. It's not that I don't like them - more that I never really pay much attention to the footwear a lady is wearing when I'm 'having a look'. At least I never did until today.

I was waiting for my girlfriend at the ticket barrier on the undergound and something caught my attention. It was an extremely average looking Chinese woman, mid 30's, wearing a pretty ugly blue dress and looking severely uncomfortable as she tottered along slowly in a pair of straining stilletos. The poor heels were contorting into all sorts of shapes as she trudged along.

Chinese women have a very 'special' way of walking. There are very few who have go the catwalk 'heel-toe' strut thing going on. When you see one who does, you notice (a former colleague of mine had it down to a tee and you couldn't help but notice - unsurprisingly I miss her more than any other ex-colleague I know). Most Chinese girls have a kinf of John Wayn/Charlie Chaplin hybrid walk happening. Not very eye catching.

I am guessing that this kind of walk doesn't help make the high heeled shoe any more comfortable.

About 2 minutes after the first woman had limped out of sight, another daity little thing made her way to the ticket barrier. This one was much prettier, very petite adn dressed quite elgantly. She had high heels on that put her feet at a ridiculous angle to the floor. And I am guessing it was one of the first times she had worn these feet busters

She was taking these tiny little steps - almost like her ankles had been chained together very tightly - and was obviously planning her route to the train by going past as many things she could cling onto as she could. Pillars, shop windows, the ticket barrier, hand rails - all of them were grabbed with 2 hands and held onto for dear life.

My girlfriend has told me how uncomfortable these male designed contraptions are (and she has now made a conscious decision not to wear the again).

So why do the girls put themselves through this torture? To look good?

From a male point of view - it's a case of you've got it or you ain't. If you've got that catwalk strut, then by all means go for it.

If you fumble along like either of those poor ladies I saw at the metro stop, then my advice is to let the pain win and go back to a pair of godo ol' fashioned, sensible, flat soled shoes.

Ladies - you have my sympathy.

P.S. - 2 days to go till my birthday!!!!!

May 23rd - We're changing so you can change too!

Snooker - a big green table with lots of coloured balls. A bit like pool, but a damn site harder.

It's a game steeped in tradition and etiquette which must be followed exactly. The players still wear tuxedos and the referee looks and acts more like a butler.

But it's not only the players who have a strict code of conduct.

If you have ever watched the tennis at Wimbledon, you will know that the crowds are, usually, impecably behaved. When the players are playing, the crowd is pretty much silent. Well, if the crowds behaved like that at a snooker match, they would be considered hooligans. Spectators have been thrown out of snooker matches before because they have been suffereing from a moderate cold.

So when the 'China Open' snooker tournament came to town the local crowds were not quite up to speed on how they should behave. The result? Chaos - at least in snooker spectator terms. (Go here for the full story).

It got me thinking. A friend of mine was telling me abou this experience in a local cinema recently - people eating and talking all the way through the film, people on their mobile phones, people using their mobile phones to take pictures of the film - a very common experience at a Chiense cinema (on this occassion he told me that most of the disruption was actually caused by fellow expats!). There really is a alck of a sense of 'others' in people. It's not that people are inconsiderate. It's just that people have no concept of imposing on others.

When I first came here things like people spitting on a restaurant floor where startling to me. Now when I see a lady holding her baby on the 2nd busiest street in Shanghai and lettin ghim have a crap next to a bus stop with about 20 people waiting at it, alarm bells don't go off - I just see a kid having a crap. It happens.

So social decorum here is not what us foreigners might expect.

I guess while they absorb our culture into their daily life it should only be fair that we absorb a little of theirs.

May 21st - Have You Heard The One About The Vegetarian Hedgehog...?

Being a vegetarian in China is not always the easiest thing in the world. Despite the huge influene of Budhism in this country and the equally huge number of people who call themselves Budhists, the concept of a vegetarian is still alien to a lot of people.

In restaurants I consistently have to explain that I am a vegetarian and, no, I don't eat chicken as that is a meat and that seafood is also a no-go for me (generally speaking, 'meat' in Chinese often just means pork).

But I am very fortunate. About 5 mintues walk from my house is a fantastic vegetarian meat shop. It supplies all the vegetarian restaurants in town with their vegetarian crab, shrimp, fish, beef, chicken etc. It's cheap, it tastes great and means I can cook real vege food at home. I am big fan of this place.

Even in this vegetarian shop, however, it turns out that all may not be as it seems.

Yesterday I was in their buying a few things (vege 'toad-in-the-hole' last night!) when I noticed a jar of 'XO' sauce with the ingredients written in English on the side. Out of curiosity I had a look. And this is what I saw:

Hedgehog??!!?? I have been assured that it is a direct translation of the name of a plant, but still - hedgehog!. So I guess now I am officially theonly vegetarian in the world who is happy to eat hedgehog.

May 17th - More Tales From The Classroom...

Yesterday was one of those days where nothing really happened and I had to rely on yesterday's shennanigans to keep me going.

I was in a very normal class, with about 6 students, trying to get them to give advice to people in certain situations. I gave them a letter written to a magazine outlining a problem and everyone had to play 'Agony Aunt' and offer the troubled souls in the letter some advice.

After 55 minutes of the usual suggestions (the 20 odd times I've done this class have consistently produced EXACTLY the same advice from all the people) we got ontto a situation where a woman had gotten married at 24, had 2 lovely kids but felt bored and was creating a fantasy world around her best friends husband.

All the girls offered up the standard 'she should think about her kids adn love her husband' type answers. Nothing unusual there.

The one guy in the class had other ideas though:

'It's OK. She is young - it's natural' he started. 'Lot's of young people have fantasies about other people. She is young, it is normal' he re-iterated.

A couple of gilrs looked a bit shocked at this and the rest giggled a bit.

In 20 classes this was the first time I had heard that, so it was refershing to say the least.

'It's natural?' I asked 'We all do this?' I said, desperately tryign to create some sort of discussion in the class.

'Of course' he answered 'All the young people do it'

'Really?' asked one of the ladies in the class.

'Of course' he said 'you know, lots of girls think about their father and boys think about their mother'

'What??? Sorry, say that again' I interupted

'Yes, girls think aout their father and boys think about their mother'

'You think about your mother????' I asked, in a state of shock and suprise with a touch of disgust

An embarassed laugh, a red face and a look at his watch told me all I needed to know.

'OK....class over!' was the most appropriate response I could come up with.

May 17th - Return Of The Bun Snatchers...

We can all get excited again. After a 26 year absence, the 'worl famous' (?) bun tower climbing and grabbing has returned!

Sounds bizarre? Looks even stranger. I saw this on a report on the TV yesterday. There's a small island close to Hong Kong which had a tradition of building a very tall pagoda made of steamed buns.

Contestatnts had to climb to the top in an alloted time and collect as many buns on the way.

You can see a video clip of it all here

The local government is also seriously considering promoting this to a full-fledged 'sport'! Can't see that catching on internationally.

And the reason why it had a 26 year rest? Well, apparently in 1979 the bun tower collapsed, with the flying buns injuring 150 people!

May 17th - Toilet humour

There is nothing humourous about toilets in Shanghai. If you evr get caught short at one of the older squat toilets, you're in for a nasty shock (one writer once described his forst encounter with a Chinese toilet as 'a life defining moment').

But apparently it's all changing in Shanghai now. At the recent 'World Toilet Expo and Forum' (yes, they really do have one) the local government was trying to get advice on how to improve toilets in the city (specifically male toilets).

Providing cleaner toilets is one thing. Getting the people to use them properly is another matter all together.

Never in my life have a I seen a toilet with so much urine on the floor - up to 2 metres away from the actual urinal! - as there is in the toiet in my office. It is disgustingly incredible.

Read all about the Chinese quest to improve their toilets here.

May 12th - Cat Food For Thought

I've certainly changed since I've been in China. A lot of the change, I guess, comes with getting that little bit older and (hopefuly) wiser - I expect and need these types of changes.

But there are some changes in my tastes, actions and thoughts that I really wouldn't have expected.

Some are small. In China, on a hot day, people get boiling hot water to drink from the water 'cooler'. It was very bizarre for me to start, but after 3 years of people telling me that "cold is not good for stomach" I have pretty much changed my ways and tend to go for the warm water on a hot day aswell.

I always wash rice at least 3 times before I cook it and now wouldn't dream of going to bed without scrubbing down in a shower before. These are just a few of the small, but noticeable, changes in me.

Today I also realised how my way of thinking has changhed a lot aswell.

In England once I laughed at a hand written poster on a tree which had, in huge letters, the words 'CAT FOUND' and in much smaller letters underneath 'dead in road. Remains in a bag for collection'. I guess any cat owner in England would worry that, if there cat ran away, if might get run over or stuck down a whole somewhere.

In China, that's not the first thing that came to mind when Miao Miao (one of my cats) went AWOL and didnt show up for 6 or 7 days. No, I didn't worry that he had been run over. Nor did I worry that he might have fallen down a whole and was stuck. Oh no. My first thought? I wondered if any of the neighbours had eaten him!

It's not that I think my neigbours, or Chinese in general, are scavenging butchers, eating anything that moves (although it does feel like that sometimes). It's just that I've heard a lot of people tell me how they have had pet dogs disappear and later find out they were eaten by a hungry/angry neighbour.

So poor Miao Miao hasn't come home and I am sure he never will. I just hope he is stuck down that hole and didn't end up as a Sunday roast.

May 11th - Just a quickie...

Some people are only happy when they have a problem. No matter what solution they are offered, they just ain't interested.

I've just had an afternoon with a student who says her English isn't improving (it actually is, but she doesn't notice it). She asked what she coould do. I told her one thing - she said no. I suggested another - she said it wouldn't work. Another - no. Another - too boring

After about the 15th refusal to even consider my advice, I finally realised that I was wasting my time. Typically female, she wasn't after advice - just wanted a moaning session.

Some people just don't want to be helped.

May 9th - Hooters are fun for all the family!

In China, people are obsessed with food. "Do you like Chinese food?" is one of the most over asked quesitons to a foreigner. I've had people who, in their lives, have not travelled more than 10 miles from their place of birth tell me "James, everybody knows Chinese food is the best in the world".

Chinese people generally think that 'their' food is the healithiest, most delicious, best food in the world. A huge number of these same people will have never eaten anything but Chinese food, and even those fortunate enough to have travelled overseas will have eaten nothing but Chinese food when they were away.

So, unsuprisingly, Chinese restaurants are big business here. But the West has accepted Eastern food, so why not return the favour (or flavour!) and send some Western delights China's way?

Well, many companies are trying to do that. Trying to capitalise on the belief here that all thigns western are cool and fashionable. McDonalds, KFC and Pizza Hut abound. But how about 'Hooters' - an American chain famous for it's waitresses who have...how to say...very large 'hooters'.

Think that formula could be a success in China? Well as unlikely as it seems, Hooters has been extremely succesful with the locals here in Shanghai. A huge success as a family dining experience that is!

The Christian Science Monitor has attributed their success to the fact that, unlike most of the service industry in China, at Hooters people are actually happy to serve you. This makes the eatign out experience much less stressful, much more fun and thus more enjoyable for all the family.

" In a country where overworked and underpaid wait staff are not known for their sweetness, Hooters offers something new: courteous, attentive service with a smile".

(Read the full article here. Interesting an dperhaps insightful into eating and China.)

Personally, I think it's more likely that Dad, Uncle, 2nd/3rd/4th Uncle are just fordign their families to go there under false pretences.

Or maybe good Hooters really does mean good service!

May 9th - Funny travel stories...from a Chinese traveller in Europe.

Some of the best/funniest/most interesting travel stories I read are those which humourously explain everyday expereinces with a cultural twist.

From China, personal favourites are signs in KFC toilets which tell patrons not to stand on the toilets (what would you do if you had been brought up using a squat toilet all your life?.) and watching people using their forks as toothpicks.

It's not uncommon for Chiense people to take offence at these stories. Lots of people say that it is a typical foreigners view - showing interest on 'dirty' China instead of looking at its good points. People who tell these stories defend themselves by, rightly, saying that the bad points are as valid (and often more interesting/funny) than the good points.

But what about when Chines people travel? Think that when they come to your hometown they think everythign is as it should be? Nothing funny about the way you go about your daily life, right? Ha! Far from it!

Our way of living is as alien ot them as theirs is to us. Maybe no suprise their. But when a Chinese person tells a story about a daily life situation in your country, something that you yourself might do regularly, and tells you how strange, interesting, funny or just plain stupid it was, how would you react?

Like so many Chinese people, when the shoe was on the other foot my first reaction was to go on the defensive.

My girlfriend was telling me about a book written by a Chinese (Taiwanese) write who had travelled extensively throughout Europe, and Italy in particular. Many of his observations were made in restaurants.

The first was in an Italian restaraunt in Italy, where he ordered a tomato pizza. He got a mis-shaped pizza (the result of being made by hand - not the perfect circel he was used to having in Pizza Hut at home) with nothing tomatos on it. Apparently how the Italians really do it. When he talked to the waiter, he had this all explained. He was also very pleased when the waiter said that he was not Japanese (most 'Asian' looking tourists are thoguht to be the affluent Japanese - I'm sure Candians can relate to frustration of mistaken identity with their American brethren).

How did the waiter know he wasn't Japanese? Apparently they always order 'pizzas' with pineapple sauce instead of tomato.

In a Chinese restaurant in Rome he wondered how concluded that chefs that cooked so badly came to work in Italy because anybody who hired them in China would soon go out of business. He pitited the poor Romans for having to eat such bad Chinese food.

During the same meal, he saw a romantic couple enjoying a candlelit dinner consisting of 4 types of 'jiaozi' (dumplings) - fried, steamed, boiled and in soup. (Jiaozi are similar to Italian Tortellini or Ravioli, but in China they are just about the cheapest food you can buy - only plain rice sells for less). All the dumplings were washed down with an expensive bottle of red wine. Unthatomable to the Chinsese tourist.

Very normal for the Europeans, but extremely bizarre for a Chinese tourist to see.

So next time a tour party is looking around your hometown be careful what you do - they're watching, and probably laughing at, everything you do!

May 6th - Lessons on life

If you want to save some time on learning valuable lessons in life, I can't suggest doing anything better than checking out advise posted on a friends website. It gives pearls of wisdom, such as:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Go here for the full list. It's hilarious

May 6th - rambling about life

As mentioned in previous Blogs, I have been trying to seriously consider my future, job-wise, in recent days. I've got a new one year contract to sign, so maybe that is what has brought about this sense of 'what the hell am I doing?' that I'm struggling with right now.

It's not that I haven't always had a feeling like that - in all honesty I think it is normal (for me at least) to ask yourself that question. I even think it's healthy to do so - I find it useful to help keep me on track and re-evaluate what's important and whether I am doing those things.

Right now I think my biggest consideration is work. My 'private life' or 'home-life' (or whatever you want to call it) is good. I genuinely feel at peace with myself as a person and I know that happens for me because of my life away from work. What I 'achieve' in terms of my job has never been of great importance to me.

But now things are changing a little. It's not that my job has suddenly become more important to me - just that it might finally ahve dawned on me that I am going to be doing this for a LONG time. So I need to so something which keeps me interested. What I do now is certainly not that.

I never thought I would be a teacher in my life. And certainly not an English teacher. In terms of TEFL jobs, the one I have is pretty good as far as I can tell. I enjoy it, the students are on the whole fun, the environment is relaxed. But their is no challenge in it, it doesn't motivate me to improve and their is nothign remotely creative about anything I do.

I need a change. I need to do something that makes me feel like I am contributing to something bigger.

I guess it, basically, all comes down to one thing - CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB???!!!!!!!!??????!!!!

May 4th - A little bit about football...

Footballers are incredibly superstitious people. From which boot they put on first to their pre-match routine, for many of them, everything they do is part of a religiously followed routine of superstition which they hope can help them to perfrom better and, ultimately, win the game.

Last night saw the newly crowned Premiership chamions Chelsea beaten in the Champions League semi-final by Liverpool, currently lying 5thin the premier league and famous for their underachievement in recent years. Many people were suprised that LIverpool won - but they obviously hadn't been keeping up to date with the science of coincidence>

Liverpool's omens for success in Champions' League: Why 2005 is year of coincidence

* 1978

Wales win the rugby union Grand Slam

Liverpool lose in the League Cup final

The Pope dies

Liverpool win European Cup

* 2005

Wales win the rugby union Grand Slam

Liverpool lose in the League Cup final

The Pope dies

* 1981

Prince Charles gets married

Ken and Deirdre marry on Coronation Street

A new Dr Who is appointed

Liverpool finish fifth in the League

Liverpool win European Cup

* 2005

Prince Charles gets married

Ken and Deirdre marry on on Coronation Street

A new Dr Who is appointed

Liverpool sit fifth in the League

With facts like that on their side, how could Liverpool do anythign but win?

May 2nd - Laowai! Laowai!

Laowai means 'foreigner' in Chinese and as a caucasian here I hear it a lot.

As stupid as it may seem, when I first came to China one of the things that struck me immediately was the sheer volume of Chinese people. So I can understand that people, mainly those who don't come from the major cities like Shanghai, Beijing, Guanzhou etc., will be a bit suprised when they see a 'foreigner'.

Nobody means anythign bad when they say 'foreigner' and stare at you in the street, but it can feel a littel uncomfortabke sometimes. And the furtehr you go into the countryside, the more it happens. So Shucheng, in the middle of Chinese nowhere, doesn't see many 'foreigners' and it's people don't get the chance to look at one very often.

Most of the time I heard young kids whispering Laowai to their parents, who would look and smile. I had one 20 odd year old countryside girl with huge bright red chees pay a photographer to have a photo taken with me (I politely declined the offer to buy a copy). These occurences are everyday stories for any foreigner living in China.

But just recently, things have been changing a little. It might be me who is changing, or just that I'm meeting a few strange people.

One of Jewel's aunties said that I was not like a foreigner, but was a 'typical Anhuinese' (Anhui being Jewel's home province). I took that as a sign of acceptance by the family and, I guess, a huge compliment.

The day before a young boy, aged 12, had been walking backwards in front of me, staring at me without blinking. he suddenly stopped, beamed a hug smile and asked "Ni shi laowai ma?" (are you a foreigner). He was obviously intelligent so I relaised I couldn't trick him and told him that, yes, I was not from China.

A month prior to this, in Wuyi, an old lady had asked Jewel, if I was a foreigner. An even older lady, possibly with worse eyesight, had asked me if I was from Xingjiang (a province in China, which borders Uzbekisatn and whose native people look decidely non-Chinese).

My appearance even confused a local Shucheng fortune teller who, despite knowing I was a foreigner, told me that I was going to be a government official in the future and possibly the president of China. He also told me that I was likely to leave my home town/country and live abroad at some point in my life. I think he just had a well rehearsed script and wasn't quick enough to adapt for his first non-Chinese person.

Or maybe all this time I am spending here is....dare I say it....turning me Chinese!

When my hair starts to go straight and black I'll know it's time to leave...

May 2nd - Life After The Protests

There was a repeated apology for its behaviour during its occupation of countries in Asia during the past and, in the international press at least, the China/Japan thing seems to have taken a backseat. The visit of the Kuomintang leader (current president of Taiwan and leader of the party who escaped to that island as the Communist Party took control of China at the end of its own civil war in 1949) to the mainland for the first time ever is, quite rightly, taken all the attention in this region. So what's the situation regarding these protests now?

The feeling of hatred towards the Japanese did not just go away and remains as strong as ever. The wave of anti-Japanese sentiment, in the form of product boycotts and the occassional beating of visiting Japanese students also seems to be dying down (if it's not already dead). After the Shanghai protest there were pretty strong rumours of a May 4th march (significant as it is the anniversary of the 1919 student uprising following the signing of a treaty that ceded part of China to Japan), but the chances of it actually happening appear to be slimmer by the day (although I wait to be proved wrong).

After international protest from Japan, China quietly offered to repair damage done to Japanese embassies and Japanese owned businesses that were attacked and damaged during the protests, although the compensastion demands that some were making appear to have fallen on deaf ears.

More interestingly, it seems that despite the governments apparent support of the people in their outpouring of anger, it has been reported that the organisers of the marches and anyone found guilty of 'causing damage to public property' or 'a breach of the peace' are in big trouble. Some of the organisers and more violent protesters have been jailed - some for up to 2 years, although, officially, they have just been given 'short term detention' (for the full story, go here).

So there it is - protesting in China. The governement will instruct the police not to interevene. They will publicly express understanding of the peoples emotions and feelings. And as soon as people are looking in the other direction (i.e. at the visit of Mr Kuomintang) they will arrest and imprison anyone who organised the protests they encouraged (silence is consent).

If May 4th does go ahead, that's when the fun will really start.

May 2nd - Moving House At Midnight

The start of the new month and I'm back in my girlfriends hometown in her parents new house. They bought it new (they're retired, with no income and virtually on savings, so why not buy a new house?) and have been decorating it for the past few months. It's now finished and looks pretty good. Well, apart from the turquoise green sofa I am sitting on at the moment, it looks pretty good.

After the hassle of the last few days at work before this holiday, ShuCheng (the hometown, which is a city compared to the old place in Gaofeng - this place has a supermarket!) is a pretty good place for me to forget it all and contemplate what to do in the future. Getting stuck in the 'TEFL-Teacher-China' trap is defintely not an option. More about that another day though.

Anyway, the main reason for coming back this time was to be a part of the tradition that is moving into a new house. Pack everything in boxes, pay some high school dropouts to carry and break everything in the tea-chests and then spend the next 3 weeks getting everything out of the boxes and deciding where they go next - sounds like an average house move? Not in China. A land with too many traditions/customs to remember has a bizarre ritual which is the house move.

The family (and that includes me!) actually moved in proper on 1st May, but the majority of the furniture, fixtures and fittings went in long before. This is important because when the actual move happens a whole host of people (friends, family, neighbours and any curious onlookers) will come by to give the place the once over.

Oh yeah - I should point out that this moving ceremony takes place at midnight! Well, 2 o'clock in the morning to be precise.

So at 2 am I found myself outside in the street being deafened byt the sound of a few hundred firecrackers and fireworks going off. I pointed out that doing something like that in England would probably get you arrested, but I was re-told that this was a local custom and nobody would mind. Bearing in mind that the street the new house is in is surrounded by KTV/Karaoke bars which are open till 4 in the morning anyway, I guess most of the neighbours didn't mind so much. Although the poor soul who stumbled out of one of them and started his truck justas the firecrackers were lit must have thought the mafia had finally caught up with him and his car was exploding!

The car drove through the resulting smoke and, after a minor struggle with a very tight corner, arrived at the entrance to the apartment block which contained the new home. Mother and Father of the family were both bemaing with joy and pride as they climbed out of the car and handed out bags of what little they had left from their old house for all of the extended family to carry upstairs. I was reminded how important an occassion it was when I noticed and casually mentioned that a frog was jumping up the stairs before everyone and Jewel gave me a very stern look and told me much mroe important things were happening adn it would be disrespectful to forget that. Oops!

All loaded up, the troops climbed the 4 flights of stairs to the new apartment adn were greeted by the burning embers of coal outside the front door. Apparently thet were not the result of a misplaced cigarette, btu actually intentional and a part of the tradition which helps to ward of evil and bring good luck to the house.

To get into the house we had to walk a long a folding ladder which had been decorated by being wrapped in red ribbon. My understanding is that Chinese ghosts cannot zig-zag or cross stepping stones, so I guess the significance of walking across a step-ladder lying down was that we could walk across it and the ghosts/bad spirits couldn't, although I never had that confirmed.

Once inside, the 20 or so people sat down, talked loudly and ate 'zhongze', which seems to be standard fare at all celebrations here. A lot of cigarettes were smoked, all the rooms were inspected and withinan hour everyone had gone home. The rest of us went to sleep, although with the neighbouring karaoke bars going all out till about 4.30 in the morning I, for one, did not get to sleep too soon.

My next memory is being woken up by the scream of a 20(ish) year old girl the next morning (nothing sinister, I assure you), who was one of the next day visitors who had walked into the bedroom that my grifriend and I shared (she already having got up) and the sight of me in spreadeagle on the bed wearing only my boxer shorts was obviously too much for her to cope with. As soon as the poor girl shut the door, my girlfriend came in and hurried me to get up and dressed. She told me it was abotu 11.15 and I thought, after the previous nights events, it seemed fair that I should get up and go and see the 30 odd new guests that had arrived. So I got up, checked my watch and found it was actually 8.15 and a total of about 40 people had already visited!

The rest of the morning was a steady flow of cousins, aunties, 'second' aunties, 'big' uncles, friends from the old village, local bank managers who had got rich through 'dirty' money and blamed their sons and had them sent to jail in their place (well, actually there was only one of them) and others who had been invited to see the new house. Each gave a house warming gift and had their names and the amount they had given meticulously recorded. Apparently the amount you give is the least the new house owners are allowed to give you if you ever move house in the future. In return for their gift each was given a tour of the apartment, a cup of green tea, 2 small boxes of sweets (each in a house shaped box) and 2 packets of cigarettes.

I spent the rest of the morning between perma-smiling at various members of Jewel's extended family, understanding none of the local dialect that was being spoken at 100mph and fending off unruly kids who tried to break my computer and spit hot water at my feet.

Lunch was provided for all by Jewel's parents at a local hotel, as part of the ongoign celebrations. There were probably about 60 people in total, including the local area leader, whose dear wife had hot water spilt on her legs by those same unruly kids. And all in all that was about the only 'bad omen' that the new house owners got from this move.

After lunch most people went back to their own homes and only the immediate family made it back to the new apartment. Mahjong and cards were played through the night and the family all seemed very proud with the new abode and happy with the move.

For me it was a very interesting and fun experience. I just hope I can get away with doing any future house moves in the UK wothout the firecrackers and at mroe friendly hour in the day.